I have been thinking…

My brain has been doing an overkill… As one friend remarked, housewives worry a lot because they have abundant idle time for their mind. This seems to be applying to me as I sit in office and do these mechanical tasks that require very little brain work… If I try to use my brain, I start feeling that I am insulting myself by doing all this useless work that adds no value to anyone.

I am completely demotivated.

But they pay me in abundance (more than what I thought of my potential while doing my post-grad, not more than what my peers in the same industry earn – this is a big difference that requires another post!). Yes, they pay me a lot to put up with crazy work schedules (which also I conveniently avoid many a time) and to do no-value-add work that actually eats your brain very slowly that you don’t realize how much you have lost over a period of time (which I cant avoid however much I try).

I could take this for 4 years… some good, some bad. Now it is getting out of hand. I have lost the little interest I used to have… the lil motivation I used to have… I postpone as much as I can… I put in as little effort as is necessary to complete a task. Nothing extra, and nothing at all to show any thinking on my part!

Unfortunately, after a couple of bad years, the money pot is brewing now (Whatay timing!). And it is addictive to have that addition to the bank balance at the end of the every month. And it increases every year!

Still, my new deadline to get outta this shit is Feb-2011 (oh shit, that’s almost 12 months to go!). I need to find something else brain-worthy to do by that time. I have repaid my huge educational loan, repaid all my dad’s loans and taken care of my sisters’ under-grads. I have bought 2 cars for me and my dad and maybe would have bought a small house by that time (ok, that is stretching the limit before I quit!). Would I be able to let go of all my high-maintenance needs and exotic travel plans and just take a break and do something like teach for a year or two? And then see what I want to do?

I don’t know.

I plan too much. Maybe, nothing at all happens as per plans. Maybe they will.

One thought on “I have been thinking…

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